Queer Divine Dissatisfaction

I just hit send.

Meaning, I just sent my heavily revised MS to my editor/s. Meaning I am now on vacation for 2 weeks. Meaning I am shitting myself. Meaning I will now take a little nap, awake, and then put together a toy chest from IKEA. Meaning I am very sad that this part of the process is over.

Have I ever been happier? Not really. I loved writing on a deadline. I loved being with Keek every day. I loved that people were waiting for IT, what I was WRITING, with baited breath. I know there's still a ways to go. They might hate it. They might want 400 more pages by next weekend. They might take out my favorite parts. There is work to be done! But still. This part is over and I'm sad and exhausted and am reminded of this:

"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others"

--Martha Graham